Discuss – Do Not Argue

“Discussions are always better than arguments, because an argument is to find out who is right, and a discussion is to find out what is right”

 

Opening Story:

Never Argue with A Donkey

 

It so happened one pleasant day that a donkey asked a horse what color the sky had. The horse replied, “Sky blue.” However, the donkey started laughing as if he got crazy. The horse enquired about the reason for laughing. The donkey answered, “The sky is black.”

The horse became angry but kept his cool and told the donkey, “Look up, and you will find your answer.” Even though the donkey looked up and saw the sky-blue sky, he kept on saying that it was black. The horse got irritated with donkey’s chanting of “Black” “Black” “Black”…

Finally, horse suggested that they will ask around and let other animals decide who was right. Donkey agreed. They asked a fox, then an elephant, then a bear, then a cat, then a wolf and kept asking until there was hardly any left to ask. Everyone replied that the color of the sky was sky blue. However, donkey kept shouting that it was black.

After a while, the horse had an idea, and he asked the donkey, “Let us go and ask the King of Jungle.” Again, the donkey agreed. All these animals they had asked the question also came along. When they reached there and told the whole story to the Lion, he closed his eyes and remained silent.

After a brief pause, the King of Jungle ordered his guards, “Imprison the horse.” Everyone was stunned by the decision, but no one dared to question the King’s verdict. However, the wolf came forward and asked the king, “My lord, but the horse is right, why did you imprison him?”

The King of Jungle replied, “Because he argued with a donkey.”

Moral: Never argue with those who argue for the sake of argument only.

A lot of people aren’t really interested in whether they “win” an argument or not. Instead, what they really want is simply to be heard. A simple acknowledgment that you hear those you argue with and what they’re saying, but respectfully disagree with them is often enough for others to disengage from the argument.

 

Finding common ground for a compromise is a valuable strategy to employ in working toward a quick resolution of an argument. Remember, there doesn’t have to be a “winner” to every argument. Two people can simply come together, discuss something of mutual interest, and then walk away without either person changing his or her mind. Or a simple compromise can be reached more quickly if both people are open-minded and are willing to give a little.

Arguments are a part of life. Learning to navigate them more deftly will help you get over these little speed bumps and get back to enjoying your life more quickly.

In everyday life we often meet people or enter into conversations with people which take no time to turn into an argument. Right?

It doesn’t matter what the argument was about. It can be as small as deciding what you have to eat that night or it can be a serious argument between you and your friend/relative.

In ALL the cases the result is ACTUALLY NOT WORTH the argument

Just wait and think for some seconds, WHAT DOES A PERSON GAIN WHEN HE WINS AN ARGUMENT, besides mere ego-satisfaction?

THE ANSWER IS NOTHING

In fact, the person who LOSES will learn something new and YOU stand there, having wasting your precious time convincing the person about a topic which you do not even care about.

There is no good in arguing over petty matters. Most people cannot resist the urge to argue and prove themselves right, which is normal but detrimental. Every time you argue, you may strain your relationship with that person without even knowing it.

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of heated argument with a loved one or colleague and you’re not even sure how it got started? It happens more often and more easily than you might think. Thousands of years of evolution have left us wired for conflict, much quicker to go on the defensive–or even on the attack–than look for ways to compromise and cooperate.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Before any conversation devolves into a shouting match, you have the opportunity to shift gears and have a fruitful discussion instead. So next time you find yourself and the person or people you’re talking with heading down that bad path to all-out conflict, do something else instead.

There are many ways to graciously step back from an argument.

Here are a few simple statements you can use that will stop an argument 99 percent of the time.

1. “Let me think about that.”

This works in part because it buys time. When you’re arguing, your body prepares for a fight: your heart rate goes up, your blood pressure increases, you might start to sweat. In short, you drop into fight-or-flight mode. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls this “flooding”. Your mental focus narrows, so that you think about the danger in front of you rather than nuances and possibilities. Because of this, the ability to problem-solve plummets.

When there is no lion about to pounce, flooding gets in your way. Taking time to think allows your body to calm down. It also sends a message that you care enough to at least consider someone else’s point of view, which is calming for the other person in the argument.

2. “You may be right.”

This works because it shows willingness to compromise. This signal is enough to soften most people’s position, and allow them to take a step back as well.

Yet it’s hard to do. Sometimes my clients worry that giving an inch is very close to giving in. In my view, it’s usually the opposite: acknowledging someone else’s point of view usually leads to a softening. Look at some examples:

• Comment: Blue jeans aren’t appropriate to wear to work.
• Response: You may be right.
• Comment: This project is going to be late.
• Response: I’m working on it, but you may be right.
• Comment: You didn’t handle that very well.
• Response: You may be right.

Notice that with this Aikido-like sidestep, you are not agreeing that the other person is right. You’re only acknowledging that there might be something to their point of view, and implying that you’ll consider what they said.

3. “I understand.”

These are powerful words. They work because they offer empathy. They stop an argument by changing its direction – trying to understand someone else’s point of view isn’t an argument. They are sometimes hard to say, because pausing to understand can sometimes feel like giving in. It’s important to remember that:

• Understanding doesn’t mean you agree.
• Understanding doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem.

With the pressure to assert yourself or fix it out of the way, you can just listen.

4. “I’m sorry.”

These words are perhaps the most powerful in the English language. One administrator I know says that half his job is apologizing to people.

Many people are reluctant to apologize, fearing that an apology is an admission of guilt and an acceptance of complete responsibility. This view unfortunately often makes the problem worse.

Apologies sometimes just express sympathy and caring: “I’m sorry you didn’t get that job.”

More often, though, apologies mean owning some part of the responsibility: “I’m sorry my comment came across that way. It’s not what I meant.”

Occasionally an apology is an admission of complete responsibility, and in those cases a heartfelt expression of regret becomes all the more important: “You’re right, I didn’t get it done on time. I’ll do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Apologies change the game from “It’s Not My Fault” to “I Understand.” Apologies are powerful; they have prevented lawsuits, improved business communication, and healed personal rifts.

5. Bull’s Eye

Of course, sidestepping an argument is only the first step in sorting through an emotionally charged issue. Sometimes you have to dig beneath the surface so that you can talk about the beliefs and feelings underneath. Then there’s work to be done in negotiating a compromise or coming to an agreement. However, arguments keep you spinning in circles, and usually make the problem worse.

Sometimes the only way not to lose is to stop playing the game. Instead of, “One of Us Has to Win,” you can play, “Let’s Take Some Time with This.” With a simple statement, you can buy time, show willingness to compromise, offer empathy, or own part of the problem. These strategies are the basis of good communication. When the object of the game is to stop arguing, both players can win.