Nurture Emotional Intelligence

“It takes something more than intelligence to act intelligently.”

Opening Story:

Heaven and Hell: A Zen Parable

 

A tough, brawny samurai once approached a Zen master who was deep in meditation.

Impatient and discourteous, the samurai demanded in his husky voice so accustomed to forceful yelling, “Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.”

The Zen master opened his eyes, looked the samurai in the face, and replied with a certain scorn, “Why should I answer to a shabby, disgusting, despondent slob like you? A worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything? I can’t stand you. Get out of my sight. I have no time for silly questions.”

The samurai could not bear these insults. Consumed by rage, he drew his sword and raised it to sever the master’s head at once.

Looking straight into the samurai’s eyes, the Zen master tenderly declared, “That’s hell.”

The samurai froze. He immediately understood that anger had him in its grip. His mind had just created his own hell—one filled with resentment, hatred, self-defense, and fury. He realized that he was so deep in his torment that he was ready to kill somebody.

The samurai’s eyes filled with tears. Setting his sword aside, he put his palms together and obsequiously bowed in gratitude for this insight.

The Zen master gently acknowledged with a delicate smile, “And that’s heaven.”

 

Emotional intelligence, or “the capacity to reason about emotions and emotional information, and of emotions to enhance thought,” is important for understanding our own and others’ emotions so that we can improve interpersonal relationships.

Have you ever allowed yourself to get worked up in a meeting and then regretted yelling at a coworker or saying a rude or snarky comment to your boss? Have you had a heated argument with your partner, only to cool down later and wonder why you ever let the small issue you were having blown up into something huge? Have you ever made a rash decision while mad, afraid, or upset, only to regret it later? These are all issues of low or poor emotional intelligence.

High emotional intelligence is linked to better job performance, working better in teams, increased creativity, retention at work, and accepting change. Beyond the workplace, emotionally intelligent people often enjoy better interpersonal relationships at home.

Emotionally intelligent people tend to be better at perspective taking and self-monitoring. They are also more cooperative and have better social skills. In a study from the early 2000s, it was realized that people who thought their partners were emotionally intelligent had higher marital satisfaction and anticipated more satisfaction in their relationship in the future.

People who are emotionally intelligent understand four important things:

1. They are able to read others’ emotions.This is tough, especially when dealing with people who are not very emotion-forward. It is easy to tell someone is sad when they are crying, but how can you tell someone is sad when they are trying to hide it? Emotionally intelligent people can, and with practice, you can too.
2. Emotionally intelligent people are also able to understand and regulate their own emotions.This means that they are in touch with what they are feeling, rather than stuffing it down, mislabeling it, or brushing it aside. The regulation of those emotions is really key — this means being able to wait to show your frustration at your boss until after the meeting, because you know the consequences of showing it at the exact moment you first feel it. It also means holding it together long enough to be there for a sibling when a parent is diagnosed with cancer, even if you are feeling the same amount of fear and sadness they are.
3. Emotionally intelligent people understand that their thoughts create their emotions, and that facilitating and controlling thought has the ability to decrease the power of their emotions.Moods and feelings can also enhance certain kinds of thinking: for example, knowing you are better able to handle conflict when you are calm, and make decisions when you are not upset.
4. Finally, emotionally intelligent people understand the connection between their actions and other people’s emotional reactions. For example, they know that breaking a promise will result in others feeling hurt.

Building emotional intelligence is a tough task, but it’s a great way to improve how you relate with others. One way to build emotional intelligence is to observe your thoughts. Watch how your thoughts connect with your emotions throughout the day. Thoughts release chemicals in the brain that fuel the way we feel about things. Once we notice the connection, we can work to decrease the negative emotions we experience by not giving power to the thoughts that create negative emotions, and by focusing on increasing the thoughts we have that are related to positive emotions.

Emotional Intelligence is important, the value and benefits of developing your EQ are extensive and in many areas massively under-utilized. Emotional intelligence is the gateway to living a more fulfilled and happy life, and here’s why:

• Emotional intelligence allows you to understand and manage your emotions in order to self-motivate and to create positive social interactions; it’s the first step in realizing your true potential.
• The value and benefits of EI are vast in terms of personal, academic, and professional success.
• Individuals with higher levels of emotional intelligence are less likely to succumb to the negative impacts of stressors, while effectively help individuals deal with negative emotions and promote more positive emotions in its place.
• Intellect works best when it’s accompanied by high emotional intelligence.
• Utilizing and developing emotional intelligence in the workplace can greatly improve both job performance and the social capabilities of individuals within that workplace.
• Emotional Intelligence is a useful skill to prevent making decisions based on emotional biases.
• The process of successful communication and negotiation are closely linked to high levels of EQ.
• Key EI facilitators such as happiness contribute to our self-actualization.

Here are five ways to develop your emotional intelligence.

1. Manage your negative emotions.When you’re able to manage and reduce your negative emotions, you’re less likely to get overwhelmed. Easier said than done, right? Try this: If someone is upsetting you, don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, allow yourself to look at the situation in a variety of ways. Try to look at things objectively so you don’t get riled up as easily. Practice mindfulness, and notice how your perspective changes.
2. Be mindful of your vocabulary. Focus on becoming a stronger communicator. Emotionally intelligent people tend to use more specific words that can help communicate deficiencies, and then they immediately work to address them. Had a bad meeting with your boss? What made it so bad, and what can you do to fix it next time? When you can pinpoint what’s going on, you have a higher likelihood of addressing the problem, instead of just stewing on it.
3. Practice empathy. Centering on verbal and non-verbal cues can give you invaluable insight into the feelings of your colleagues or clients. Practice focusing on others and walking in their shoes, even if just for a moment. Empathetic statements do not excuse unacceptable behavior, but they help remind you that everyone has their own issues.
4. Know your stressors. Take stock of what stresses you out, and be proactive to have less of it in your life. If you know that checking your work email before bed will send you into a tailspin, leave it for the morning. Better yet, leave it for when you arrive to the office.
5. Bounce back from adversity. Everyone encounters challenges. It’s how you react to these challenges that either sets you up for success or puts you on the track to full on meltdown mode. You already know that positive thinking will take you far. To help you bounce back from adversity, practice optimism instead of complaining. What can you learn from this situation? Ask constructive questions to see what you can take away from the challenge at hand.

Emotional intelligence can evolve over time, as long as you have the desire to increase it. Every person, challenge, or situation faced is a prime learning opportunity to test your EQ. It takes practice, but you can start reaping the benefits immediately.

Having a high level of emotional intelligence will serve you well in your relationships in the workplace and in all areas of your life.