Do Not Blame

“Focus on fixing the problem, never focus on the blame. Problems are only resolved when solutions are sought.”

 

Opening Story:

Stop Blaming Other People

 

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure about how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

‘That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens. ‘Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No response. So, the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner? ‘Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner? ‘

Again, he gets no response so; he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner? ‘Again there is no response. So, he walks right up behind her. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner? ”James, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!’

 Moral of the story: The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us!

Blaming others for one reason or the other is common behavior in which most people engage. It is an important aspect of human relationships. The closer people get the more likely they will indulge in it for even trivial reasons. A daughter may blame her mother for spoiling her weekend because she asked her to stay at home and clean her room, which she has not cleaned in a month. She will keep blaming her mentally and silently until she gets over with it.

After growing up she may blame her parents again for not giving her enough attention or not appreciating her choices. A bored and lazy husband who spends most of his time watching television and eating unhealthy food may blame his wife for his lack of success or peace of mind or for their increasing debts. Open any television news channel, and you will see how we have internalized blaming in our culture and behavior.

Children blaming parents, parents blaming their children, mangers blaming their team members and team members blaming their colleagues, people blaming their leaders, leaders blaming their opponents and critics, teachers blaming students, students blaming teachers, neighbors blaming neighbors, these are common facets of life, in which we not only reveal our hidden resentments but also our tendency to let out our fears and frustrations through blame and criticism. We do not spare even God from this blame game, even though we have never seen Him directly and do not know much about Him.

It is easier to find a scapegoat or blame others, with or without reason, whereas it requires a lot of courage to own your faults and accept responsibility. We appreciate such people, but rarely do it in our lives. We may do it rarely but not habitually or as an expression of our essential nature. We are conditioned to seek approval and appreciation of others. Hence, in public we do our best to put on the best possible behavior and meet with the expectations of those whose relationships we value. However, when are frustrated or angry, we use the same human weakness to control others and make them feel guilty or submissive. Sometime, people need to be told what is wrong with them or how they can improve. Constructive criticism is useful and necessary to nurture relationships, build trust and improve ourselves and others. However, it should be done without envy and without any ulterior motive to control people, break their morale or make them feel small and guilty.

Unfortunately, many people do it habitually to vent their own anger and dissatisfaction, settle their scores, feel good about themselves, or just seek attention. Unjustified criticism is modified anger, expressed by the human ego for its own ends. In the end, it does not do any good. It may provide a temporary outlet to vent your negative emotions, but it also attracts a lot of negativity and interferes with your progress and happiness. Most of the time, those who habitually blame and criticize others end up alone. As they cannot think positively, they also miss many opportunities in life. If you criticize others, others will reciprocate with criticism and do not acknowledge your skills or talents. Many great people spend a whole lifetime and end up going to their graves without ever showing their skills or proving their greatness, because they cannot help blaming and criticizing others. If you want to avoid that fate, you should stop thinking negatively about others or blaming them.

When something goes wrong, are you more likely to own up to the mistakes you made, or play the blame game?

Many people are quick to point fingers and play the blame game. Simply put, it’s much easier to place the blame on someone else than to take full responsibility for your actions. It’s also easier to blame someone for our actions rather than take a deeper look at why we made the mistake that we did and face possible consequences — whether it was something you did at work or something that happened during a tiff between you and your partner. Blame shifting takes less effort, and it’s easier on us emotionally — at least in the moment.

How to Stop Blaming Others for Your Problems

1. Take Responsibility

Become responsible. Take responsibility for your actions/decisions and gain control of your life. Become the creator of your own destiny instead of regretting why you let external factors decide your fate. As a result, you’ll stop blaming others and instead focus on how to change for the better.

2. Become Aware of Your Blaming Behavior

The primary step to solve a problem is to acknowledge that it exists in the first place. Similarly, to get rid of the tendency to blame others, we got to become aware of our blaming behavior.

Make a conscious effort to recognize the exact moment when you are about to blame someone and then stop yourself (from acting on impulse), take a pause, reflect, and make another choice.

 

3. Understand the Problem

Most of the time we blame others due to our inability to understand the problem. We react to a problem based on our finite knowledge and preconceived notions about things. We function on a fixed set of beliefs and become overwhelmed & uncomfortable when the solution to the problem doesn’t fall in the domain of our beliefs.

So, our mind tries to manipulate us by rejecting any information that goes against our thought process and therefore, acts as a hindrance in solving the problem. The key is to not get emotional and react but understand why a problem has occurred so that you can solve it.

4. Place Yourself in Their Shoes

Life is not just black and white. There are grey shades to it as well. When somebody harms you, try analyzing if it was intentional or accidental. Many times, we lose objectivity of the situation because we are approaching it with a personal bias.

Place yourself in their shoes and then take account of the situation at hand. Be empathetic. See where the other person is coming from and question yourself – “Would I have done anything differently?”

Everything isn’t always right or wrong so stop looking for who’s wrong and how can you blame somebody. Sometimes things are just the way they are and you can’t do anything about it. Accept it, take it in your stride and move on.

5. Take Ownership of Your Mistakes

It’s better to keep your ego aside, own up to your mistake, and work towards self-improvement rather than waste your time looking for a scapegoat. The former gives you a clear conscience while the latter gives you a false sense of authority.

Excess ego only kills relationships. Admitting your fault won’t make you a smaller person. If only, it enhances your image as a person who takes charge of the situation and has the courage to learn from his mistakes and move on. Taking ownership of your mistakes helps people build trust in you and respect you as an individual.

Embrace your mistakes and ask yourself if you’ve learned a lesson from the mistake. It might be difficult initially but you’ll get comfortable with the process eventually. The takeaway from it all? The pain you feel due to the mistake may be temporary but the lessons learned will be valuable for life.

The blame game is a game where you’ll never win. So, stop blaming others for your problems and take the blame for your actions. But remember to not get too comfortable on the couch of self-pity. Playing the innocent victim isn’t winning you brownie points in life. You’re responsible for everything that happens to you.