G – Learn to Give

“Giving opens the way for receiving.”

Opening Story:

To Give

Once upon a time, there was a very powerful and very generous King who gave much of his gold to the poor people of his lands. Each morning, the King would wake up early and share his gold with the poor people who had gathered at the gates of his palace so that they might buy food and clothing.

One night, a peasant crept up to the palace and huddled up against the wall where he would not be seen. The peasant decided that he would camp by the gates of the palace so that he would be the first in line to receive some gold pieces from the King the following morning. ‘If I am the first,’ reasoned the peasant, ‘then perhaps the King will give me more gold and I will no longer be poor or hungry.’ But when one of the royal guards noticed the peasant creeping around at the gates of the palace, he thought that the man must be a thief come to steal the King’s gold in the night. And so the guard captured the peasant and locked him away in the prison beneath the palace.

The next morning, after being told of the events of the previous night, the generous King decided to go and talk to the peasant who was locked in his prison. The King approached the dark and damp cell and asked the peasant, ‘Why would you steal from me when all you had to do was ask for gold in order to feed and clothe yourself; do you not know that I would have given it to you gladly?’

The poor man explained that he was not a thief at all, but simply a peasant who had fallen on hard times and now needed help. ‘I was once a good farmer and a good businessman,’ said the man, ‘until the droughts came and thieves stole my cattle.’ The peasant looked directly at the King. ‘I did not come to steal from you,’ he insisted, ‘I came in the night so that I might be the first to receive some gold in the morning. That is all, I promise.’

Upon hearing the peasant’s story, the generous King was much moved. He ordered the guards to release the man from his prison, then he gave the peasant ten gold pieces with which to change his fortunes. The peasant thanked the generous King and left the palace with his gold.

But the next day, the peasant was not satisfied with his gift of ten gold pieces. Each night he returned to the palace and waited by the gates, and each morning the generous King bestowed upon the peasant ten more gold pieces. This went on for many nights and many days, until the King asked the peasant, ‘Why do you continue to come to my palace when I have given you so much gold? Surely you are no longer poor or hungry?’

‘But I wish to be like you,’ said the peasant to the King. ‘I want to be rich and powerful.’

‘But will you also be generous to the poor of this land?’ asked the King.

The peasant thought about this question for a few moments before he answered. ‘Yes, indeed I would, Your Majesty.’

The peasant agreed, and so the King gave half of all his wealth and half of his entire kingdom.

The years passed quickly and the peasant proved to be a wise and generous man. He used much of his gold to plant food and raise cattle, and very soon he had doubled his riches and was able to share more and more wealth with the poor people of the land.

The King watched from his palace and was very pleased with what he saw. He knew then that to give was the greatest pleasure there ever was in the world. By sharing what he owned with others, the generous King was able to make many people happy. The peasant had learned this lesson well and he too shared his wealth and happiness with those around him. And very soon, because both the King and the wise peasant both gave so generously, there was no more poverty or hunger in the whole of the land.

“Give and take” is a mechanism inherent to all relationships – you cannot expect to receive something if you don’t offer on your own turn.

Once the balance between give and take is broken, difficulties arise and people feel they are not getting too much from their relationship.

The real problem is, in fact, not giving enough – you reap what you sow, as the biblical saying puts it.

Have you ever been in a relationship where one person did nothing but give and the other only received selfishly?

In some cases, those who give all the time don’t allow themselves to receive anything in return – this problem needs to be addressed as well.

Let’s consider an example:

Joe and Sarah are a married couple. Sarah does the housekeeping by herself, runs errands, and makes sure Joe has everything he needs, from preparing his breakfast to ironing his shirts.

She also joins him at sporting events and action movies, even if she doesn’t really enjoy them. One time, Sarah asks Joe to join her at a play she wanted to go to for ages, but he refuses.

Sarah feels very disappointed and starts complaining about all the times she never received anything in return.

In other couples, the situation is slightly different:

Alice has had a very busy week. One of the children got sick, she had to finish an important project at work, and her friend asked her to take care of her dog while she was away from town. Her husband, John, offered to clean the house for the weekend, but she refused replying that he would not do it the right way.

On the other hand, Alice is so tired every evening that she falls asleep as soon as she jumps into bed and they never have time to talk to each other or spend time together.

In both cases, there’s no give and take relationship.

In the first example, Joe needs to become less selfish and learn how to give. While in the second story, Alice should stop being a perfectionist, delegate some of her work, and learn how to receive.

Is your relationship similar to one of the two cases? Here are some ways to fine-tune daily interactions with your partner and achieve a perfect balance between give and take:

5 Ways to Give In a Relationship

1. Conversation.

Conversation is not just about exchanging information. People talk to each other to share feelings, to get relief, and to re-assure themselves when they are dealing with problems.

Common mistakes in a conversation are talking only about yourself and not being an active listener.

Speak about your problems and concerns, but also offer the other person the chance to talk as well and really listen to them, instead of interrupting and focusing again just on your person.

2. Mutual help.

Has your wife prepared your favorite dish last weekend? If she asks you to help her buy a new dress, join her and be patient while she tries on every outfit.

A relationship where one partner does all the efforts and the other always refuses to provide help to the same extent is misbalanced and unfulfilling.

3. Giving compliments.

Compliments are a vital part of a healthy relationship.

Consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – on top of the pyramid we have self-actualization.

Oftentimes, your partner needs you to observe their personal growth and recognize their achievement or qualities.

From telling your spouse how great they look before going out to dinner to showing your admiration for their results at work, a well-thought and honest compliment every day can make wonders in your relationship.

4. Accepting flaws.

Nobody is perfect, that’s for sure, but some people react more negatively to others mistakes.

5. Giving space.

Being involved in a give and take relationship doesn’t mean you should be together 24/7 and not accept your partner’s decision of spending time separately.

 

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you’ve had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you.

These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance.

Understand that people in a relationship can have their own hobbies or do activities with other people as well, and also enjoy your time alone – it will do both of you good!

Putting these pieces of advice into practice may be difficult in the beginning, or make you feel awkward. But, if you feel your relationship needs improvement, doing things the same way as you always have won’t make a difference.