N – Learn When to Say No

“Don’t say maybe when you want to say No”

 

Opening Story:

Know Saying No

Once, in a village there lived a farmer and his 8-year-old son. The farmer ploughed his land for a living. He also managed sheep and poultry. The son watched his father working hard in the field and take care of the animals. One morning when the farmer woke up, he noticed one of his lambs missing. The next day morning he found some chicken missing too. He realized there is someone stealing the animals from his farms every day. Before next dusk, the farmer arranged an animal trap. The next morning, the farmer saw a jackal trapped inside. Not knowing how to dispose, he decided to go to the city zoo and ask if he could admit the wild jackal there. Before leaving, the farmer called his little son and said,” Son, we have caught the jackal stealing our livestock. I am going to the city zoo and ask if they could take him there. Till then, I am leaving the jackal with you. Please ensure that he is never let out.  He can attack the animals and yourself. I am handing over a big responsibility to you. Please act wisely.”

After the farmer left, the jackal thought of escaping, taking the boy along.

He turned to the boy and said:

Jackal: hey, can you let me go? (Asking)

Boy: No!

Jackal: Please, I will never return to your farm again. (Requesting0

Boy: No!

Jackal: If it was your brother, he would let me. (Comparison)

Boy: No!

Jackal: Oh Come on, you are a sweet kid. (Coaxing)

Boy: No!

Jackal: Deep in the forest there is a tree full of juicy mangoes. I can bring them to you if you let ne go. (Bribing)

Boy: No!

Jackal: I will not tell anyone that you let me free and we can be good friends. (Befriending)

Boy: No!

Jackal: Oh come on, Don’t act smart, you’ll pay for this. Hurry and open. (Bully and threaten)

Boy: No!

Jackal: The loss is yours. Think about it. Your father asked you to think wisely. (Confuse)

Boy: No!

Jackal: (Now Howling) You will  not let me out, Yeah, I will kill you, your father and all the animals you have. (Punish)

Boy: No!

Jackal: (Frustrated, still trying! I want to meet my parents. They must be waiting for me (Sympathy)

Boy: No!

The jackal had nothing more to say. He was convinced that the boy cannot be manipulated.

Soon the farmer came with the zoo officials and took the jackal away!

Do you wish you could put your foot down sometimes and say no? Many of us feel compelled to agree to every request, and would rather juggle a million jobs than refuse to help, even if we are left with no time for ourselves. But learning to say no can earn you respect from yourself as well those around you.

So why do we continue to say yes? It could be that we believe that saying no is uncaring, even selfish, and we may have a fear of letting other people down. On top of this may be a fear of being disliked, criticized, or risking a friendship.

Interestingly, the ability to say no is closely linked to self-confidence. People with low self-confidence and self-esteem often feel nervous about antagonizing others and tend to rate others’ needs more highly than their own.

If you feel you have become a “people-pleaser,” your self-worth may have come to depend on the things you do for other people. A vicious circle develops in which the people around you expect you to be there for them all the time and comply with their wishes.

Being unable to say no can make you exhausted, stressed and irritable. It could be undermining any efforts you make to improve your quality of life if you spend hours worrying over how to get out of an already-promised commitment.

The difficulty that we often experience in saying no, in being true to what we really want, can be a significant cause of stress. Whenever we are not true to ourselves, we create disharmony that is painful or that gradually festers and saps our life of joy. By learning to say no to whatever is detrimental to your well-being and instead follow your innermost feelings, you will experience a strong sense of contentment in your life and in the decisions you make. Even when inevitable bad times or challenges arise, you will be able to weather those storms with inner strength.

Undesirable situations in our lives are often the result of failing to listen to our innermost feelings. This can lead us to overcommit ourselves, over push ourselves, or get involved in something that is not what we truly want. In exercising free will to say and do what we desire, as long as we’re not hurting ourselves or others, we become more centered and balanced. This results in an abiding sense of contentment in the knowledge that, even when some decisions are difficult, we’ve done what we felt we had to do.

Saying no is one of the most important ingredients in a life filled with peace of mind and contentment. This is not a no rooted in cynicism or emotional withdrawal; with the ability to say no comes balance and healthy boundaries. Despite the benefits of this universally understood word, many of us have a hard time saying it for fear of upsetting someone else, and we may end up feeling burdened, resentful, and even victimized. Ironically, we forget that we were the ones who said yes in the first place.

Practice saying no to commitments, obligations, and requests from others that you don’t truly believe in or that you know won’t serve you well in the long run. In more faithfully following your true desires, you will begin to have more time and energy for the people and activities that are of real value to you. This will eliminate some of the unnecessary demands on your time and energy that only generate stress.

Whether it’s a boss, a spouse, friends, or family, people’s wishes are not always in line with our own. We must be honest when we are unable to meet those wishes or demands, not only for the sake of our own health but also to serve our true desires and to allow others to know who we really are. Although this may not always be comfortable and may present a variety of challenges, especially for those who are more sensitive and thus more susceptible to emotional stress, it is an important component of reclaiming the power that is your birthright.

Just as important as the art of saying no is knowing when to say yes. Both responses are part of the same development process, which is learning to discern and communicate your innermost feelings. We are constantly being told what our feelings should be and how we should respond—through our upbringing and family or through culture, environment, and advertising.

For example, you may believe that promotion at work is the key to more happiness, only to find that after all the hard work required to earn the promotion, the promotion swallows more of your precious time and creates too much pressure in your life. This is not to say that you shouldn’t work for a promotion or that you shouldn’t want to grow in your work, but it is important to be aware, consult your inner voice, and be clear about what you actually want.

In learning to follow your innermost feelings, there will be times when you will not know immediately what you truly want. It will be necessary to pause and reflect for a moment, deeply considering the decision you’re about to make. Sometimes it will require time and reflection, and it also requires training and practice.

The true test of that practice is if you have a sense of contentment and are free of stress, anger, and resentment surrounding a particular decision. Have the courage to follow through on how you feel, making choices that are true to the person you really are. In this way, you will live in greater harmony with your true self, minimizing the amount of stress you experience from misplaced time and energy and increasing the level of contentment and joy you experience in your life.

From time to time, you may find yourself looking back and wishing you had chosen differently in a decision. Maybe you entered a career you didn’t really want or married someone who wasn’t right for you or took on more responsibility as you tried to get a bigger home, and now you find that these decisions haven’t brought you the happiness you expected. There are no guarantees in life, but wherever you are, you can begin living in closer alignment with your innermost feelings starting today, knowing that you can’t be sure of what will happen, but at least you did your best. That is where courage lies.

Don’t wait until your energy runs out before you take a much-needed step back to assess the situation.

Top Tips for Saying No

1. Keep your response simple. If you want to say no, be firm and direct. Use phrases such as “Thanks for coming to me but I’m afraid it’s not convenient right now” or “I’m sorry but I can’t help this evening.” Try to be strong in your body language and don’t over-apologize. Remember, you’re not asking permission to say no.
2. Buy yourself some time. Interrupt the ‘yes’ cycle, using phrases like “I’ll get back to you,” then consider your options. Having thought it through at your leisure, you’ll be able to say no with greater confidence.
3. Consider a compromise. Only do so if you want to agree with the request, but have limited time or ability to do so. Suggest ways forward to suit both of you. Avoid compromising if you really want or need to say no.
4. Separate refusal from rejection. Remember you’re turning down a request, not a person. People usually will understand that it is your right to say no, just as it is their right to ask the favor.
5. Be true to yourself. Be clear and honest with yourself about what you truly want. Get to know yourself better and examine what you really want from life.